The tale I am ‘bout to tell is a bit harsh in terms of memories, but it is one of the reasons I believe we must thread lightly on the memorial grounds of the oldish paths we took. Games have a dear place in my heart, as I’ve always played them, and the idea of a “forbidden game”, for me, had never crossed my mind, up until half an hour ago.
I had finished cleaning a bit of my living room, and fired up Hollow Knight to test the extension chord for my earphones (because Windows is an asshole and kept disconnecting my Bluetooth earpiece). The last time I had played it was back in 2021, according to Steam Cloud, but for reals it was back in 2019 during a period of one month or so that I played it straight for some weeks, during holidays in the beginning of the year.
The thing is, it was not just the game in particular, but that period in time was especially awestruck and harsh for me. We had to hospitalize my father because he suffered a psychotic breakdown due to being laid off and a worsening of his depression (due to us losing my mom a few years prior). Amidst that, during the end of 2018 I accidentaly met a girl online, just before Christmas, and we talked every single day, for hours on end and I was almost sure we were going to get married (even though we’ve known eachother for just a few months then).
And there was Hollow Knight, amidst all of that. I see now that it had taken a part of my psyche, not just that of a simple game, but more akin to the representation of a Safe Harbour, in the midst of a storm. Playing the game, whilst waiting the weeks pass by, expecting my father’s recovery, and getting more and more involved with that girl in question, all of it was revolving together, a mixture of emotions. A little bit of peace and distraction amidst pure chaos.
Then, it came the moment to meet the girl. Long story short: things went south, and didn’t really go as expected, when we met in person, the interaction was a bit off as to what it was, while we were online. Then she parted ways with me. It was over even before it began.
My father came back, on the same day I went to meet that said girl, and for that whole year things were really kinda edgy for me, just before the pandemic hit. He wasn’t fully recovered, but he couldn’t stay any longer in the clinic. Maybe the whole mental health affair of him took its toll on me when I went to meet that girl, I guess.
And then, I just couldn’t keep playing Hollow Knight. Because of what it represented, the memories it had implanted in me, even though subtle, were something I didn’t want to touch, and so I left it there. For 6 years. Up to now, when randonmly I decided to try it, and just couldn’t go beyond 5 minutes playing without sacrificing in me the urge to cry. The game was tainted. Tainted with emotion, memories and hopes. Wishes for a future that never got a chance to happen, promises that could never be fulfilled.
Unfortunately, I guess, Hollow Knight will be a forbidden game for me, as long as I still hold onto that portion of my past, something that I don’t want to revisit but at the same time, something that I long for. Too bad I guess, that I may never find the ways to finish a game that so many people say it’s a masterpiece, but then… I guess some things must happen in certain ways, and some memories may better be buried than ressurect and bring the pain and bitterness of our former-selves into our present day.
Funny thing though, that a ‘Hollow’ Knight, suddenly was filled with so much raw emotion and vicissitudes from a time that I certainly had to fight my inner demons to get through that year. In a sense, its hollowness made it possible for me to fill it with such stuff. I just don’t know if I’ll ever be able to make it hollow again.
I hope that time will tell…. Maybe, in another 6 years?