…and they have robbed me of who I could possibly be.
My vices have robbed me of myself.
They have robbed, mostly, my time and effort, the energy that could have been spent into “productive” stuff, whereas in return, for rolling the same dices over and over again, I discovered, to the surprise of no one, they were loaded dice.
Loaded with my past exhasperations, looking for a quick fix for a mixture of agony and longing that I might have felt. But the more I tried and looked to get myself out of those feelings I wanted to escape, more and more I’ve become enmeshed in the vicious cycle of coming back at it again.
For different people, it might be different stuff… Some it might be booze, others drugs, cigs, figs, sugar, television, porn, tik-toks, the whole internet, hell, even your AI girfriend, or what-you-name-it.
It starts slowly, building up pleasure, but the more you use it, the more you are akin to taking it, and for more. Soon enough, you end up pouring money into it, thinking you can control it with your hard earned cash, if only you could have a little bit more. Only for you then discover that, in turn, what ends up happening is that it is controlling you, instead.
And worst part, is the amounts of energy, cash, or time you threw into it, hoping, expecting that it would suffice the hollow feeling that lives nested within you, only for you to discover the day after, that that shit is still living right there. It just remained hidden, for a tiny bit, while you did your thing, but did not go away.
And the more you try to shove it, the more it comes crippling back, refusing to leave. And it consumes, and consumes, ever more of your time… It sucks you in.
Sad thing is that, looking back, one can barely remember what was truly gained from tarnishing said vices, day-in, day-out. Or what could have been gained if one had directed one’s energy into more everlasting endeavours. I wonder, too, what could have been accomplished by me, if only I didn’t have tha naggin’ feeling dragging me back at it again, time after time.
After a while you learn to recognize it, to cope with it, to fail with it, to go on with the mixed feelings of shame and anger towards yourself, and learn that one is only human to have fallen prey to this shit.
If one could avoid, I believe it would be best, not to play with the equivalents of fire in modern day society, albeit gambling, drugs, pornography or whatever… Not because they do not feel good, but precisely because of that. They make you feel good, and then they make you beg to feeel something yet again, but the more you chase after it, the more alluring it becomes.
Seems like fighting a lost fight. But, at the same time, one must not just give up into its potencialities and capacities. I do believe that things can be overcome, if not by sheer effort of will (it hardly is only that), through systems, organization and other people helping you around to spread the load and conjecturing ways to over it.
It is best if, at first, we do also admit the problems which we might have.
They, in turn, being shed light into it, will just not resolve to being hidden again, and at least, I guess, fight through the feeling of shame, one can progress onwards, not feeling the guilt of being wronged by themselves, or failing the trust others could have had. Of course, not every person might take what one has to say about its shadow lightly, so in turn it would be best to be sure with who to share said things first.
Do not fall prey to your own ill shortcomings, people. It is hard, and it will feel like ripping you apart, at times, but then, nonetheless, I do believe the overcoming is a task governed through the power of communion, the same way we built societies and cracked down the atom, too we could find ways to resolve our inner conflicts.
Spread the word, look for help.
Afterall, we all do need some kind of help. All of us.
One time, or the other.
No shame on it fellas.
Just recognition that such is the nature of being human, or so it seems.
That’s all for today.
Paece.