I have been pondering about these things for a while. Actually, I have been pondering about pondering, a self-reflectious meta-cogniscence, of delving into one’s own thoughts, and shedding a mirror upon it.
And what I saw, was what it showed about me. Where my thoughts were taking upon, was where my desires lay hidden, dormant.
Indeed, the effect of reflection upon one’s own reflection can be quite unnerving. You start considering, really thinking about it ‘what lay beneath such and such thought that I’ve just had?’
And lemme give you a concrete example about it, right now. At first, in the morning, I saw these thoughts colliding with one another, me standing between people, talking to them, and them being reciprocate to me, or even me, the IT guy, going forward a bunch of certifications in my fields, and the I meeting people and them saying “Oh, you really did those?” with an air of awe and surprise.
Those were mostly painted interactions, but what lay hidden behind them was my with for recognition. Even deeper beyond that, was that of belinging, or acceptance, now that I think about it.
Of being coalescealed into a group, of people that would recognize me, even more for what I did. And that my “hard work” would sure deserve some recognition.
But, then, I thought about it. And considered even more about other times, in which I had gotten such recognition and even from places or situations I didn’t recognitze as “true” or which weren’t really “real” or honest for sure, and it just felt… Hollow. If felt like a gimmick, and a lie, and… That in the end it didn’t amount to nothing.
I hade the 15 seconds of “fame”, but I wanted to bury myself, and not be there in front of such a naive spotlight. I didn’t feel I deserved it. And now, these feelings, not thoughts this time, were also telling of something deeper, of something hidden.
Of a some sense of worthlessness, or even more beyond it, a sense that, no matter what I do, I don’t see myself fitting, or that it was all a hoax. And see, even if we ponder about it too, it is quite interesting, how these also relate to the first situations aswell.
Remember, me looking forward for other people accepting me, in a gradual way, for my achievements? Maybe, just maybe, that was my mind telling me, that I still had the urge for that such recognition that I saught, but in a particular manner, or from people that mattered to me.
See, this was also another aspect: What in particular was being reflected? Who was it that I saw was talking to me and congratulating myself? And how did I imagine they were doing it? All of these seemed foretelling of wishes and saughts that didn’t feel right when I first got the “recognition” that I had months prior.
In a way, it seemed that I felt off, and somehow, I was trying to make emends with the feeling of off by sending me into peculiar scenarios and reasons where such praise would actually make sense. In this case, by the “hard effort” of me, finally conquering such and such certification, which I would know for sure ammounted for a certain effort on my part, and that was what I considered that deserved true recognition in the first place.
My hard effort.
Not for or from people, but maybe, I just needed such an external understanding and validation to see and assure myself that it was “worth it” in the time spent.
But now, this opens another gate of possibilities for consideration which were: Did I truly measure myself and my performance by others standards, and not by the duties or tasks that I could or would have accomplished with said knowledge? Evenmore, would the other people be able to foretell that even the slightest of my efforts were well intentioned and well directed towards such and such endeavours, without me even realizing or applying such knowledges into a particular field for the resolution of conflicts or problems that would spur in the meanwhile?
How would I such, then, be able to immediately measure such a conquer of that knowledge that I so much grasped for a mere recognition? And did, even, afterall, such recognition that would be praised, be equally foretelling of its usage and usefulness into resolving and evolving real world scenarios?
In due credit, summarizing it: would such appraisal from other people be equal to said usefulness of these themes and applications in my field of knowledge? Would appraisal translate into real world usefulness?
The answer, nonetheless, is doubtfully. Or more resounding: no, it wouldn’t.
Having the appraisal of other people wouldn’t make my conquer of knowledge more or less valuable, for one simple fact, it would be me, in the first place, that would have a place and a foretelling of such usefulness, when the due time came, or lack thereof. Other people, in such cases, would be unable to foretell of congregate with me into the fruitful belongings and whereabouts of said knowledges and where they would lead me be.
In the end, it would, resolutely, ultimately, come to me.
In the end, too, it seems, that my seeking of their approval would be so much and such fruitless pursuit and endeavour.
And, still, even with me pondering and considering about this stuff here with you, people of the internet, it gnaws at me, that I, deep inside of me, still long for their recognition somehow.
And that, my folks, I believe is into a further consideration for me to forbade and foretell, stalling my reproductible thoughts upon these endeavours to a halt, for now.
But truly, something to consider and sonder.
Why would I, then, still, anyhow, look forward and go onlooking for their appraisals even though I could just see with a stream of logical confrontness, that these too, would be non-approacheable, nonetheless?
Make me be, comfortable with their lack of appraisal, and lackluster observations upon my performances, because deep down inside I know that, even if I get those, I might still feel even more hollow and out of place before, knowing or at least thinking, myself not to be worth it of their reconciliations.
I guess that is enought.
For now.