…it seems that they are always wanting for more from you.
Those people which you relate to, yourself daily, no matter what you give, they always expect you might give a little more. Your work, always expecting you could give in a bit more time. Your boss, always expecting you could show up more often. Your peers, to resolve that other last issue.
Outside of work, your body always expects and contests when you don’t give it the best food available, or the most interesting entertainment. It is always wanting. Us. Them. Everyone. No one in this hecking place ever seems satisfied with what they’ve got.
I, for instance, got accepted at a new job, will receive more, even though I’ll have to every now and then go to another city to meet my colleagues, as part of the ‘culture’, that is hybrid work nowadays. They are good people, the work is not life threatening, and I have supporting peers around me, and even so, something feels… Off.
I can’t quite point at it, but it just doesn’t feel right. Not just the work, but everything, life in general. Now, with the world cup in its near ending, and my father watching it day-in, day-out, I wonder to myself “how can he be so alienated?” In the same way I might ask the very same question to myself, also: “How can I be so alienated?”
The work that I do, sometimes feels like fake work. And I ought to earn way more than other people, the ambulance drivers that every day give their lives to save other people. And things just feel out of place. We pay millions to a bunch of few to entertain us and make us “forget” about the ills of what is happening, the wars waging on, famine, death in general. We want to be sedated, we want to indulge only in our own pleasure, and that very much makes us sick… Or at least makes me sick.
Or so I believe, from what I’ve perceived these last days. You show up at work, you are expectd to show a particular number of times, one of the first things that your ex-boss asks of you if you you aren’t willing to show up more often over there, because, y’know, “if you only go for the basic, you will only receive the basic”, and hell… I like the guy, but this kind of corporativist talk makes me sick in the stomach.
People always expect of you. Seldom something that one does is acquainteced as “enough”. And I get it, the Capitalism needs go wage on… But for who? It is not fair that I ought to have a good fortune like this while millions of others are out there with no other options…
Maybe… Maybe I am looking at the wrong angles. Should I at all be bothered by the expectancies of others like this? They have no idea what my plans for my life are, and they erroneously assume that mine are equal to theirs. It is not. But of course I would not say that out loud, it would be bad for business. So therefore I say it to you, my peers into this tiny corner of the internet and the world.
Maybe I should just let go of letting these thoughts perturb and wreak havoc in my mind and focus on something that is real and matters to me. Either my spiritual lookouts, or the research, or my own education (apart from those topics that are expected for work). Work, at most, is tiring, and even if I die, they would find someone else to substitute me.
So what, then, is it what would be possible to do, that I am not endangered to be swapped for another, something that only I might do for myself? Something that others do not need to know, and that I can direct my focus on, which is not indulging in distractions like Youtube and the like.
Then, I believe, it would be focusing my will, for now, on getting on track again with the spiritual paths I had been pursuing for over a decade, and take them more seriously, as I have seen already that life in general, especially within the corporate landscape is just hell.
I feel unhappy, but that does not need to dictate how I continue to feel or choose to do something about it. I can fight over it, knowing that it is just an impermanent state and will change soon too.
I can choose to do something over it, and follow this path, instead of always accepting what others throw at me.
Maybe, I guess that I do.
We will see…
I will let you informed, for sure.
For now, gotta get some sleep.
Paece