Just the other day I was thinking, considering about things at work and for me there’s some constant angst at the back of my mind for not knowing things. The biggest trouble it seems is not knowing what is acceptable not to know. Because, it seems to me, that I am always on the verge of being found out that I am a farce.
So then, this troubles me, always having to play catch-up, never really knowing if my absence of knowing something would be critical and cost me something precious. And it build a toll, slowly it grips me and leave one helpless. Which is kinda paradoxical if you think, because, how could not knowing something leave you paralyzed?
At this point in time I am beginning to accept that maybe I have some form of ADHD or something, I don’t know, because the way my thoughts always keep losing themselves. I know I don’t have to give any kind whatsoever of explanation to the internet and some of you reading this might even consider “another one faking this”, but if you were me, to know which kinds of struggles I go, maybe we could understand ourselves better.
And this is one of the things, maybe, that don’t get talked about enough in the corporate means, how much it is acceptabl for one not to know. It seems, in a way, that it is always expected of us (or at least of me) to know things, how to solve things, where did they come from or will come through. The truth is that I don’t know, and most confusing of all is for me to reach a point and consider “does this even make a difference”?
In the grand-scheme of things that is, because I have been through a bunch of sleepless nights to troubleshoot a few things, saved a few links and did a bit of documentation on my part on how and why things got working, just to…. Leave it all away. To never touch that again, to never even fathom of it, and all of that effort, time and energy trying to grasp information, to know something, was just for a mere speck of time in a particular situation.
And it frustrates me, deeply, because… All of this effort and will, end up spread on things that I will never ever really “own” that will not become a part of me… or maybe they will, but for what use could they be? In my life that is besides the tech field…. But, maybe, I am confusing things, and work, is really is supposed to be hyper-specialized, or else everyone would be doing exactly what I do, and I would be jobless, I guess….
Still, it troubles me not to really know, what is to be acceptable to know or not to, if in the end I will be found out.
I guess these are some of the ghosts that keep haunting me.
And will it, in the end, make a difference?